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Confessions of a Self-Proclaimed “Control Freak”

Two weeks ago I invited people familiar with “Dying to Control” to share their personal stories of life-change. The following submission is a revealing account of one person’s current struggle and her hopes of experiencing more freedom than she’s ever experienced before. I hope you enjoy her story.

“So I have been thinking a lot lately about some stuff.  God usually has to hit me over the head with “stuff” before it begins to sink in.  I have been struggling a lot lately with my relationship with my wonderful and favorite oldest daughter (I have two daughters, one favorite oldest and one favorite youngest) who is 12.  For some time now she has been emerging into this “teenager” believing she has all the right answers and knows more than those around her.  She also is emerging into this young lady who wants freedom and thinks that her parents are too “strict” – she doesn’t even begin to understand that term!  Anyway, as I have been thinking about our interactions and fights lately it makes me sad that I have this need to continue to engage in this “struggle”.  I have been trying to understand the “why” to my actions.  I have the most amazing husband/partner in this life together that keeps “trying” to remind me that I am supposed to be the “mature” one emotionally, physically and spiritually and I need to just relax and we will all get through this stage!  I have had some amazing teaching in the last 10 years about loving others and God and having a relationship and not a contract where I get goods and services and that ends it.  I need to be engaging in life together with people and not trying to “control” everything.  I have never thought of myself as a control freak, but when I really look at even saying that I am not a control freak, that makes me a control freak.   I hope that this is all beginning to sink into my brain where I can honestly say I don’t “need” to be in control.  I don’t “need” to have all the right answers, and most importantly I don’t “need” to self-protect myself.  What I “need” is to stop blaming others for their behaviors and actions toward me.  What I “need” is to stop “needing” to be right in every conversation, especially with my 12 year old.  What I “need” is to live the life that God has called me to live and let Him control every aspect of it.  What I “need” is to respond in love when someone attacks me.  What I “need” is to not be defensive when someone points out that I have “issues” I need to work on.  What I “need” is to remember all of this when the flesh starts to take over and I feel threatened.  I am going to continue to fight with my 12 year old daughter, I am going to continue to feel ashamed and want to hide behind the tree when I feel threatened.  That stuff is not going to go away, but if I can remember to look back on how God has freed me from the bondage of being in control, being self-protective, and blaming others last week or last month or even yesterday then maybe today that freedom will come a lot quicker and I can let go a lot sooner.”

 

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